Verbal Tipper: (n) A customer who tells you that you’re wonderful, fabulous, and by far the best server they have ever had in their life but then leaves you a minuscule tip (if they leave a tip at all).
While we all enjoy a compliment, none of us got into waiting tables for the ego boost. Folks, if you like your server, leave them a good monetary tip. Everyone has bills to pay and unfortunately the electric company doesn’t accept warm fuzzies as payment.
Our numbers are growing! If we get seven more followers I’ll make a Facebook page for Coversations I Want to Have with Customers so share this tumblr with your friends and let’s do it! Go team!
Our “Seat Yourself” sign was posted in the restaurant and so, when four women came in and sat down at a table, my co-worker, X, did the next logical thing and brought them menus.
Ladies: OH MY GOD! WHY WOULD YOU BRING US MENUS?!
X: … Seriously?
1. You will acknowledge us when we say, “Hi”. You will not ignore us. At the very least, look us in the eye, smile and nod. You will not say, “No thanks, I’m just looking”. You do not get to skip steps in a conversation in every other aspect in your life, why do you think you can do that here?
2….
The time is 11:40am.
Me: Hi, folks! Have you decided on what you’d like to eat?
Customer: What’s with these menus, where’s the breakfast section?
Me: Oh, we actually switched over to serving lunch at 11am.
Customer: Well … I really want breakfast.
Me: Let me check with the kitchen, I’ll be right back.
Customer: Good. Because I want breakfast.
Me: Of course you do. I’ll be right back after I annoy the people who will be handling your food.
A woman calls the front desk to make a hotel reservation. She asks about our rooms and I tell her about them.
Woman: I’m on my computer, what am I looking at?
Me: Oh, are you on our website?
Woman: No. What do I see?
Me: Just because we’re on the phone doesn’t mean I can see what you see.
Woman: Well what do I want?
Me: I wish I knew.
Me: Our beer special this week is a pint of Kiltlifter for $3.
Guy: What’s that?
Me: I’m not entirely sure but based on the name I’d guess it’s a Scottish-style ale.
Guy: Where’s it brewed?
Me: You know, I don’t know … because it’s a Scottish ale I want to say Scotland? But I can definitely check on that for you. (Note: I learned it’s from Cave Creek, AZ).
Guy: What’s the alcohol percentage?
Me: I’m not sure but I’ll check for you.
Guy: *rudely* Yeah, you do that.
Me: Yeah. I should probably tell you, I don’t know if my urine will affect the alcohol content of your beer.
I approach my table with four customers waiting to order.
Me: Hey there! Can I get you something to drink other than water, maybe some iced tea?
Guy #1: Beer.
Me: Sure, what kind of beer can I get for you?
Guy #1: (rudely) What do you have?
Me: We have Kiltlifter on special this week for $3 a pint and—
Guy #1: (still rudely) What else?
Me: Let’s see … off the top of my head we have Blue Moon, Guiness, Smith—
Guy #1: Is that all?
Me: Oh no, we have a lot more. Sorry, I’m new so I don’t have all of the draught beers memorized quite yet. We also have—
*Guy #2 shoves the beer and wine menu in my face, open to the beer section.*
Me: Alright, interrupty pants, if you know where the beer list is then you don’t need me to read to you. I’m sorry I don’t have everything memorized yet but seriously—don’t be a jackass. Let’s try this again. I’m going to walk away and try not to spit in your food while you read the beer list and discuss amongst yourselves. Once you’re ready, I’ll come back and you can politely order a beer.
This one is from one of my new co-workers, X, when she was trying to check in a guest to the hotel:
Guest: I’d like to check in.
X: Okay, great, what’s the name on the reservation?
Guest: It’s Jane Doe. Doe. Doe. DOE! DOE!
X: Say your goddamn name again and let’s see what happens.
Another one from the glamorous life of a fast food employee.
Customer in the Drive Thru: Can I get a hundred and fifty tacos?
Me: Fuck you, dude.
