What's That Red Stuff?
- While this page is primarily about customers, every once in a while we, the service industry peons, have an off day. A friend of mine is a sous chef at a restaurant and he had the following conversation with one of the servers:
- Server: Are there tomatoes in the marinara sauce?
- Chef: I'm not even going to dignify that with an answer.
- Server: What do I tell them?
- Chef: You're going to have to ask someone else.
- Just in case anyone else is too shellshocked from their week of dealing with customers and has a similar question:
- marinara: (n) a sauce made from tomatoes, onions, and herbs, commonly served with pasta.
- It's basically 90% tomatoes. That's why it's red.
Can I Have Your Number?
- This happened to one of my fellow bartenders last night but unlike me, she actually grew a pair and said what she was thinking.
- Customer: Can I have your number?
- Bartender: Sorry, I'm married.
- Customer: So am I.
- Bartender: Yeah, but I'm not a scumbag like you.
- Way to go, my friend. Beleaguered service industry employees who just want to do their jobs but have to deal with creeps all stand behind you and are proud of you.
But . . . Is It Spicy?
- Customer: Is the French onion soup spicy?
- Me: No, it's not.
- Customer: But is it spicy?
- Me: Nope.
- Customer: Is it spicy?
- Me: Well now that you've asked me thrice, you have unlocked the magical answer that it IS spicy and I'm just screwing with you! Congratulations! Your prize is a unicorn who will be at your table shortly to kick you in the forehead.
To the Underappreciated
Anyone involved in customer service, those of us who are baristas, cashiers, waitresses, help hotline representatives, geek squad, sales associates, the elderly people who handed out stickers at wal-mart, cart attendants. Basically, this goes out to anyone who can’t have a single day at work where they don’t run into a disgruntled customer. To all of you, I just wanted to say that I respect the fucking fuck out of you. That is all.
Open or Closed?
- Me: Alright, your total comes to $X.XX.
- *Customer hands me a credit card.*
- Me: Do you want to open up a tab or close it out?
- Customer: Yes.
- Me: That is not an appropriate answer to an either/or question. I am physically unable to open up a tab and close it out at the same time as it would cause a black hole to open up and all of our heads would cave in simultaneously. So to save us all, let's try it again: open? Or closed?
A Gin and What?
- Customer: Do you know how to make a gin and tonic?
- Me: Nope, that sounds too complicated. What are the ingredients?
Ew, I Don't Like My Choices
- A customer comes into the restaurant and after being told they can sit anywhere they'd like, sit at the one dirty table next to the open patio door.
- Customer: Um, excuse me, my table is dirty. Also, it's kind of cold outside, can you shut that door?
- Me: You could have sat at any one of our other fifteen open and clean tables that are not next to the door but instead you selected this one and then act like it's my fault. Obviously I must have forced you at gunpoint to sit at this particular table. My bad.
It's a Rhetorical Question
- Me: Hi there, customer I've never met, how are you doing today?
- Customer: Well, I woke up this morning and I think my heater is broken. Then I didn't have any eggs in the house so I had to--
- Me: Sir, I'm going to stop you right there. When I ask how you're doing, it's because I'm required to do so, not because I actually want a play by play of your day. I am sorry about the broken heater and your lack of eggs but please just let me tell you the specials and take your order so I can go into the back and continue banging my head on the wall.
Stairs are Confusing
- A lady walks into the lobby of the hotel and looks over at the stairs for a few moments.
- Customer: How do I get upstairs?
- Me: Are you fucking kidding me?